When someone near us is in pain or distress, it tugs at our compassionate heart. We often want to jump in and offer hugs, comfort, words of advice.

But what if our hugs, comfort and words of advice are not what they want?

When we make assumptions about another person, we tend to fill in the blank from our own experience and unique perspective. Their life experiences and beliefs are not the same as ours, so what we find comforting and helpful could be annoying, distracting or uncomfortable to them. For instance, some people do not like to be touched. If we rush in with a hug or an embrace, our actions have the opposite result from what we intended.

To be truly meaningful, assistance and support are best offered in ways the recipient finds helpful.

How do we know what they find helpful? We ask. We might say something like, “What would you find comforting right now?” Or, “Is there anything I can do to help?” Or, “Would you like a hug?” Or, “In a situation like this, I’ve found ________(make a suggestion)__________ to be helpful. Would you like my assistance with that?”

Then we listen carefully to what they say, possibly asking a few more gentle questions for clarity, if necessary to help us understand what they’re looking for.

By keeping our focus on the recipient, we ensure our actions are really a comfort.