Back in elementary school, my brother had a basketball hoop and Nerf ball that Mom let him use indoors. He especially liked to play over winter when it was too cold to be outside. Because he got hot running around the living room, he would wear a pair of shorts and nothing else. Invariably, my mom would look at him bare-chested and bare-legged on a frigid Minnesota day and say, “Go put on some clothes! You’re making me cold.”
My mother’s discomfort about what my brother was wearing wasn’t about him – he was plenty warm from the activity. But because she felt cold, she wanted him to put on more clothes.
A similar dynamic can arise for empaths. If we haven’t yet learned to manage our sensitivity to energy, we might get overly involved in caretaking others. If someone around us is suffering, we easily notice their pain and experience it as our own. In these situations we may act not out of altruistic motives but to alleviate the pain we ourselves are feeling.
In one of the first shamanic classes I attended, we did a talking circle after a particularly meaningful journey. One person started crying as they were sharing. I stood up, got a tissue, walked over, and handed it to them. My teacher kindly told me to sit down. He asked me to look at who I was trying to comfort – the other person or myself. As soon as he posed the question, I realized I wanted them to stop crying so I would feel more at ease. Although it was hard to sit with, I was grateful for the lesson.
Caretaking for others because we want to feel better is one of the shadow sides of being an empath.
As we learn healthier boundaries and stay more centered in our own being, our need to take care of others begins to shift into a place of greater balance. We are motivated less by wanting to feel better ourselves and more by feeling neutral compassion for a fellow human.
This work is real, and it matters.
November 3, 2021