I am what is known in the medical world as a “hard stick.” My veins wiggle ahead of the needle, so starting an IV and getting blood draws for labwork can be problematic. I deal with medical trauma because of this.
About a year ago, I was at the hospital being prepped for a procedure. It was during the pandemic, so the friend who held my hand in the past could not accompany me. That morning was particularly difficult.
The nurse who would be helping with the procedure, a middle-aged man named Larry, came to ask me some questions. He had a reassuring, kind manner, and I instantly felt comfortable with his energy. He asked if I had any concerns, and I could feel my anxiety easing.
Larry came back a while later to take me to the room where my procedure would happen. Once there, more prep was needed before sedating me. My anxiety started to build again. I had a mask over my face and could not talk, but I instinctively reached out for Larry’s hand. He held my hand silently until I went under.
His calm presence was helpful. My jittery nervous system attuned to his well-regulated nervous system. Because of Larry, what could have been another traumatizing day at the hospital turned into a good day.
Reaching out for the support of someone nearby is called social engagement. It’s a tool that can help us feel safe and prevent trauma from setting in. As it did with me that day in the procedure room, it can also help our nervous system settle when the person we connect with is in a calm place.
Often the person we reach out to is a trusted friend or family member. But in some cases, it might be a nurse, an EMT, or even a bystander after we’ve had an accident. We intuitively know who feels safe.
Sometimes we have an opportunity to be that comforting presence for another person – saying a kind word to a harried cashier or distracting a fussy baby so its frazzled mother can take a breath. These are moments of grace, when we offer our calm nervous system in service to another, acknowledging our shared humanity. Everyone needs a helping hand from time to time.
This work is real, and it matters.
October 5, 2021