When I first stepped out onto my spiritual path, I thought healing was all unicorns and rainbows. Time proved otherwise.
Sometimes healing is downright messy.
Recently I felt off. There was nothing specific I could identify, I just didn’t feel quite right. I couldn’t even tell if it was physical or emotional. I was a bit ungrounded, and my mind was slightly foggy. There was a general heaviness in my body, and my energy felt scattered. So I held space for myself and trusted that whatever was affecting me would either pass or show itself.
A couple days later, I went for a morning walk at Steinke Basin, a favorite place in nature where much of my personal healing has happened over the years. As I pulled into the parking lot and got out of my car, I began to cry. There was a sense of relief as the warm tears streamed down my face. I realized I was touching into something deep and old, and I asked the helping spirits to hold me in my pain.
As my hike ended, I realized I was just on the edge of it, still not allowing myself to feel all of it. What had been working its way to the surface for the past few days was revealing itself. I was weepy, emotional, and messy. I knew that this opportunity for healing would only fully arise if I was present with it, so I chose to face my pain.
When I got home from my walk, I turned to my “go-to” tools for trauma work. I went into a hot shower and let the water rush over me. It felt comforting, like being embraced. And then I put my hand flat on my chest and pressed gently to give my heart a sense of being held.
A wave of even more intense emotion washed over me. It was like a tsunami, there was no holding it back.
I recognized the energy – it was old heartbreak from childhood attachment trauma. Back in December, during a series of miraculous dreams sent by Spirit, a huge chunk of the old protection that I kept around my heart had fallen away. I was no longer in agreement with using walls to keep myself safe. Now that my heart was more open, this pain was free to emerge.
In the shower, I got an intuitive nudge that I needed human contact to help me process the remainder of the emotion that was arising. This is called social engagement, a key aspect to healing trauma. Being around others who are in a solid, steady space themselves can help our nervous system regulate when we are triggered or upset.
I needed a hug. So I reached out to several friends in Baraboo. In a group email, I made a specific request. I asked if anyone with a big heart, strong arms, and good boundaries was available to come to my backyard that morning and give me a long ten-minute hug. I made it clear that I wasn’t interested in talking or processing and especially not interested in receiving any caretaking – I just wanted a hug and acknowledgment of my pain.
It felt very risky to do this, like I was letting people see the the most vulnerable parts of myself. But I knew I needed to pay attention because my soul had spoken.
Later that morning, a friend stopped by. She hugged me, and I cried some more. Eventually I thanked her, and then she left. The long hug helped me finish off my cathartic process and put my pieces back together. I was exhausted and still feeling tender, but the big wave of grief had moved through.
I did exquisite self care for the rest of the day and awoke the next morning with a newfound sense of peace, grateful for the experience of releasing that layer for healing. Allowing myself to be vulnerable and ask for what I needed when I was a complete mess was a huge turning point in my spiritual journey. I have been more centered, more joyful, and less guarded ever since.
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Healing is sometimes graceful and beautiful, and at other times it’s messy and painful. To heal core wounds, we may be asked to go to the places and the emotions that frighten us.
With particularly intense or large emotions, it’s unhelpful to identify too closely with the emotion in a way that we “become” that emotion. In similar fashion, someone who has been diagnosed with cancer might be careful to avoid referring to themselves as having cancer or being a cancer patient. These word choices are intentional to remind themselves that they are so much more than their disease.
We are also so much more than our emotions. We can feel them and experience them in the moment. When we learn to be present with them, they visit for a while and then move through rather than lingering and creating blockages.
Here are some suggestions for dealing with a strong wave of emotion:
* Be okay with being messy. Don’t try to sugar coat it or make it pretty. Raw pain is messy and authentic. During the times we feel like everything is falling apart, it’s often a sign of things coming together. It’s the old conditioned programming that is falling away – we are well served to let that go in order to make room for our soul to step forward.
* Be present with the emotions. Don’t shove them down or push them away. Allow them to be and just observe. As much as possible, don’t let what you’re experiencing be an intellectual process. Stay out of your head. Your soul and the energy of what is arising will guide you.
* Call on your helping spirits – Great Spirit, the divine creator, angels, and power animals – to support you through what you’re feeling. Our spirit guides eagerly reach out to hold us.
* Be safe physically. Call on another human if you need help containing the energy. Don’t put yourself at physical risk. You are loved and held by many, both in the spirit world and here on planet earth. Social engagement is a powerful way to heal.
* Allow yourself to be emotionally vulnerable with someone safe. In sharing our pain with a trusted friend or counselor, we allow our tender parts to be seen, which helps us open wider and grow into a fuller expression of our soul.
* Ask for what you want and need clearly and directly. If we don’t let those around us who love and care for us know what we want and need from them, they may be unaware or left guessing. When we ask clearly and directly for what we want and need, they have a way to show their support that is helpful to us.
* Hold space for yourself. In spiritual healing, there is a concept called “holding space” where we witness others without judgment and trust their inner wisdom to guide them. We can also hold space for ourselves. This is a powerful way to be with our pain and trust our soul to lead us.
As we gain experience being present with our emotions, it becomes easier to hold space for ourselves. It’s ground that we’ve walked before, and we trust that will make it through a changed person – healthier, wiser, and more whole.
This work is real, and it matters.
August 25, 2021