Everyone experiences pain differently. What might be traumatizing for one person may not be for another.
One of the easiest ways to understand this is with an example.
Let’s imagine that a child around 4 or 5 years old gets separated from their parent at the mall – a very common occurrence that happens to many children.
If the child was shy or timid, it might trigger deep panic and separation anxiety. But not every youngster would be frightened. If the child was outgoing and a bit of a ham, the parent might find them playing in the fountain in the center of the mall, entertaining onlookers. This child would have an adventure.
Although one child would not be traumatized, the other would. Do we judge that child for their pain and fear? Of course not. That would be deeply demeaning and discount their experience.
As adults, we tend to do this to ourselves. We compare our pain to the pain of others. We might say something like, “But so-and-so has it so much worse.”
There’s always someone in a worse situation than us, but that doesn’t mean our pain is unimportant. This limiting belief leads to never acknowledging our feelings and sends the message we don’t matter.
We might also carry a thought like, “What am I whining about? It could have been so much worse.” Sure it could have been worse, but that doesn’t mean we don’t hurt. When we minimize our pain and pretend it’s not important, we also send the message that our feeling don’t matter.
Discounting, comparing, minimizing and judging our pain are maladaptive coping mechanisms. In an effort to move forward, we turn to unhealthy ways of dealing with our pain and create greater suffering for ourself.
You matter. Your pain matters. Your feelings matter.
Realizing this truth is an important part of loving ourselves and tending to our emotional well-being. When we acknowledge our pain, we can heal and move forward.
If you feel alone or lost in your pain, please reach out for support from a therapist or alternative healer who can hold space for you to acknowledge, feel, and honor your emotions. The container offered can provide a safe place for you to express your feelings and heal.
This work is real, and it matters.
November 4, 2021