Let’s be honest. The holidays can be difficult. Old family issues can get triggered with a vengeance.
Being around family of origin can be very dysregulating. It doesn’t take much to be triggered – a stray comment, a random look, or a slight tone. In that instant a backward slide to childhood can begin, often resulting in feeling powerless or voiceless. In just a heartbeat, you might revert to your younger, impressionable self with the emotions, responses, beliefs, and protective mechanisms of that age.
It can be deeply uncomfortable.
AND…
You are still lovable.
You are still a wise adult.
You have still done a lot of healing.
You haven’t lost the progress you’ve made.
You can love your family deeply and still be triggered.
The fact that you are dysregulated doesn’t say anything about you other than (like everyone else on the planet) you still have personal work to do. You are not bad, you are not wrong, you are not broken. You are just triggered by some very old patterns.
When the triggers arise, it helps to set judgment aside and see them simply as a piece of information – the old button is still getting triggered, and it’s only pointing out there’s more work to do.
Old familiar hurt and pain can arise no matter how much personal work has been done. Even if you’ve been working diligently to heal from the judgment, the codependency, and the old roles, you can still get triggered around your family of origin. Even if you’ve made progress with these issues in your daily life, being around family can illuminate where you still have healing left to do. In some cases, these triggers point to very old dysfunctional patterns active in your ancestral lineage.
If you’ve consistently been triggered in the past by a certain aspect of being around family for the holidays, it helps to have a plan in place for how you will take care of yourself if it comes up this year. What can you do to reassure your inner child? How can you provide your younger self with the kindness and understanding you wanted at age 8 and 10 and 13? Can you move into a quiet room and breathe for ten minutes? Can you set a healthy boundary? Can you go for a walk?
Do the best you can to care for yourself during the family gathering and then process with a trusted friend or therapist afterward when you’re back in your usual environment. Be present with your emotions and give space to your big feelings such as anger or grief.
While the memory of the experience is still fresh, you might also schedule a session with a shamanic practitioner or other form of alternative healer to work with the energy of what arose. Working with an energy healer who’s skilled at tracking and teasing out the energetic threads can be very healing and help to shift the original wound.
If you do a layer of clearing each time a trigger arises, you’ll eventually notice a shift in your conditioned response. The old familiar triggers will have less power over you, and you can stay in your center and your power more easily.
This work is real, and it matters.